HouseThe New Hatori
by Hatori Ichihara
Summary: [housefuruba crossover]Hatori gets fed up with the problems of the Zodiac members, so he calls his old collogue… Gregory House, of Princeton Placebo Teaching Hospital. Oh what fun House has diagnosing each Sohma member… Chapter 4 up
1. Getting House There

House… The New Hatori

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or House. I just own my imaginary Hatori plushie collection. **

_Summary: Hatori gets fed up with the problems of the Zodiac members, so he calls his old collogue… Gregory House, of Princeton Placebo Teaching Hospital. Oh what fun House has diagnosing each Sohma member… (evil grin)_

Hatori sighed as he finished filling out a prescription for Akito's anti-depressants. This was tiresome… depressants for Momiji, steroids for Kisa, marijuana for Hiro… the list went on…

"Hari… hey Hari!" an annoying voice called. "You don't look so good Hari… do you have a fever? Oh! I know what'll cheer you up! Watch me do ballet!" Momiji said as he spun around the room, crashing into several random objects along the way.

"Hatori-san… Hatori-san? I need more sedatives for Ritsu-kun… it seems he ran out."

"I gave you the prescription 2 hours ago."

"Umm… yeah I know Hatori-san."

Hatori smacked his head on his desk. That was it. He picked up the phone and dialed the number of an old friend from collage. He had to make sure he spoke intelligible English. He also had to make sure he dialed the hospital number right.

"Hello. This is Mary from the Princeton Placebo Teaching Hospital walk-in clinic… how may I help you?"

Hatori slowly registered the English words, then replied. "Hello. I'm Sohm- Hatori Sohma, I am looking for a 'Gregory House' please." He had forgotten that in America your family name came last.

"Yes one moment." There was some random music playing. Hatori was about to start ripping his hair out and cutting his ears off by the time a gruff voice was heard over the phone.

"Who is it that interrupted my lunch?"

Yeah, Hatori had dialed the right number. "It's Hatori Sohma from collage. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming to visit me for a while… and helping me with my family… I am the family doctor and-"

"You're in the area?"

"Well…"

"You'll pay for my travel, and explain to Cuddy it's an emergency?"

"Umm I suppo-"

"Fine. Organize the plane tickets ectera and get back to me." **Click.**

Wow… That had gone faster than expected. Hatori sighed, Greg hadn't changed a bit. Carefully Hatori hung up his phone and then picked it back up, dialing the nearest… and cheapest… airport.

House walked to Cuddy's office with a smile. Now he didn't have to do clinic duty.


	2. The Airport

House… The New Hatori

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or House. I just own my imaginary Hatori plushie collection. **

_Summary: Hatori gets fed up with the problems of the Zodiac members, so he calls his old collogue… Gregory House, of Princeton Placebo Teaching Hospital. Oh what fun House has diagnosing each Sohma member… (evil grin)_

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_**Note(s):  
-**sorry is some of the characters don't show up. Mind you, this was hell to make. I had to track down my Japanese phrase book thing for some of it. Don't worry if things don't show up. There aren't many characters in there.  
**-**another thing, how do you spell House's pain pills? Vidodin, vicoden, voodoo, vecodin… I don't know how you spell it! x.x  
**-**_sorry its short! But I just had to make this it's own chapter! Oh yeah, I know this chap is a little unrealistic… but I had to write it…I could really picture it.

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Chapter 2: The Airport 

House sighed as the stewardess handing him a bottle of water. He took out his Vicadin and put three in his hand. Yeah, it was 2 more than usual, but he needed it. Flying made his leg hurt.

It was not a pain management problem. It was a pain problem.

When the plane finally arrived in the airport, it hit House that he only knew enough Japanese to ask where the bathroom was.

"Ano… Toyre wa doko des ka?" he asked the lady at the door to the airport. She pointed to the left. House ran for them, pulling out his cell phone and trying desperately to remember Hatori's number.

He looked at the signs on the two doors in front of him. One read "**ぼうや"** (Boy) and the other read "**女の子**" (Girl)… House didn't know which was which. This was not a good trip so far.

He entered the one on the right, with the characters "**女の子**" on it, only praying it was the men's room. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it was the girl's room. But, here in Japan, House was sure they had different thoughts.

He peered in carefully, there were no men's urinals along the wall, but House didn't know if there normally was.

_I should probably check the other bathroom too…_

… He should have.

Greg entered slowly, checking under the stalls for shoed feet, men or women's. When he saw the bathroom was empty he relaxed a bit. If it was the wrong, then at least there wouldn't be too much trouble.

He walked into a stall and sat down, dialing Hatori's number while pulling his pants down to do. He was about to press the 'call' button when he heard a girlish "hmph" sound. He paled.

Looking up at the top of the door to the stall, he saw a girl, then two girls, then three. This wasn't good. They were glaring at him, and he was sitting in the bathroom.

"Umm… Do you speak English?" he asked. The looked at each other, then looked at him, clueless as to what he said.

House pulled his pants up and put his phone away. "Ummm… goman?" (_Gomen _is sorry) he said, hoping that was the word for sorry. Those girls were starting to look like they weren't human. Greg was at a loss for his normal attitude.

"IKU!" (GO!) One screamed and they hurled themselves over the stall, hitting and smacking him.

"ARG!" he said trying to escape the stall. He would take the whole bottle of Vicodin when he got out of the bathroom.

Hatori sighed… he just remembered that poor Greg couldn't speak Japanese…

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**note2: **sorry... just had to write it please don;t kill me! i'll be back on track soon... but what fun would the story be without House getting beaten up in a girls bathroom in another country. Oh yeah, house is a little out of character for this one... but he doesnt know the place, and until hes used to it... hes kinda newvous. 

hatori and house met in america. ummm i dunno what hatori was doing there. better not to hurt our brains trying to figure that out

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I got like..6 reviews for chapter 1! i was so happy! please keep it up! 

_Selina _


	3. Diagnosing Ritsu

House… The New Hatori

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or House. I just own my imaginary Hatori plushie collection. **

_Summary: Hatori gets fed up with the problems of the Zodiac members, so he calls his old collogue… Gregory House, of Princeton Placebo Teaching Hospital. Oh what fun House has diagnosing each Sohma member… (evil grin)_

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Note: _I AM SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED. I've been PMSing lately… x.x but that's not important. As I write this note the chapter isn't finished and I wont get up until I finish it so don't worry _****

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Chapter 3: Diagnosing Ritsu**

House stood, disbelieving at the sight he saw while Hatori stood next to him, acting as though everything was normal.

"Sohma… You've gone too far I swear it. Do you live in a mental home?" Ritsu was currently in Hatori's office, spazzing because he interrupted Hatori's meeting with House.

"Don't worry Greg. He's fine as long as you…" Hatori took House's cane and used it to poke Ritsu in the side. The monkey collapsed and House nearly did too as he saw. "Do that." Hatori finished. "Now I'm off, taking a 2 week vacation. 14 days is enough to take care of 11 or so people. About 1 a day and then a few days off before I come."

Hatori still didn't say anything, staring at the practically asleep Ritsu.

A few minutes later House regained his senses. "That girl's a _guy?_"

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Ritsu sat silently on the bed for patients (located in the room next to Hatori's.) "Gomen Nasai…" he whispered silently.**

Hatori had taught Greg enough Japanese in the 3 minutes they had been talking to get House from Tokyo to Okinawa without much problem. Maybe not… but Greg at least knew Gomen Nasai, after having mispronounced it at the airport.

Shuddering at that thought House gave Ritsu a good look over. "You have paranoia." He stated. "You think the whole world is against you and instead of getting violent and smashing thing's you're apologizing because you are too timid."

Ritsu looked up at House with huge watery eyes. "You mean I'm… I'm crazy?" he said in disbelief (and in rather crappy English).

"You didn't think you were?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOMEN NASAI!!!!!"

House took his cane and poked the flailing Ritsu in the side, unfortunately since Ritsu was flailing he missed and hit Ritsu in the arm.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOW YOU HATE ME!!! YOU'RE EVEN HITTING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**----**"

House had taken his cane and hit Ritsu in the head with it, knocking him unconscious. Opps. He looked at the clock, it read 9:30 pm. He had gotten here around 3:00 pm, got picked up by Hatori at 4:30 (there had been some trouble because of the bathroom incident) and they had arrived here around 6:00 because the cheap airports were farther from Sohma house.

That made about a total of 3 and a half hours working today. (6 – 9:30). 1 hour and 30 minutes less than his normal hours.

House looked at Ritsu's unconscious body and threw a medical blanket on him, then went into Hatori's room and fell onto Hatori's bed, asleep in seconds.

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Note2: Ritsu is unconscious on the patient bed, don't worry. House isn't that cruel. Also, House didn't hit Rii-kun in the head on purpose; he was trying to the weak spot again. But since Ritsu was flailing more… yeah. Anyway, I AM SO SORRY it took 2 months to work on this story. I'm going to work on my other ones too soo…. Until next chapter (next chapter is Hiro mwhahaha)**

Selina


	4. Diagnosing Hiro

House… The New Hatori

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or House. I just own strange fanfiction ideas. **

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Chapter 4: Diagnosing Hiro (hehe)**

House woke up with a yelp of pain. Something… something was sitting on his leg. Something… something…. Evil… some….

"Hey wake up Mr. House, its my day for a checkup and you're lazing around sleeping! Don't you care of a cute innocent kid like me gets some foreign sickness just because you're lazy?"

Evil some_thing_ alright. The child was sitting on his bed… on his _leg_, looking like he owned the place. He was chatting in perfect English, perfect…rude… English.

"Get off my leg kid." House said, sitting up. He needed to change, shower and throw this nightmare out a window. But Vicodin came first. He took the bottle and poured 4 out onto his hand, popping them without sparing the boy a glance.

The boy got up, eyes narrowed at his drug addicted replacement Hatori. "You pop pills? What kind of Doctor are you?"

"Doctor Gregory House." He answered, grabbing some spare clothes and sliding into the bathroom. That kid needed a lesson in politeness, and all during the check-up… House planned on giving it to him…

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House exited the bathroom, after spending 10 minutes dressing, using the bathroom, looking at Hiro's medical records and plotting…

"What took you so long? Are you so old you can't move? Are you not even a doctor and don't want to get caught? Don't you know that it's illegal in any country to impersonate a doctor, I could have you arrested you know…"

"Oh shut up." Greg replied. Hoping it would shock the brat into stopping. It worked, just long enough for House to limp over to the patient bed and sit down, popping more Vicodin as he sat.

The boy sat down next to him, chatting away with more rude comments, things about his leg, mental state, and abilities as a doctor… in Japanese.

"I'm starting to feel sorry for Hatori… also, I am a perfectly credited doctor." House said, Hiro shut up. "So what's your name kid?"

"Hiro Sohma." He said blandly.

"Good. You know my name, unless you were too caught up in yourself to notice it… I'm Greg House."

"…" No response. Hiro was obviously not used to old guys matching wits with him.

"Good. Now let's test your reflexes." House took the small tool with the orange triangle thing and hit it hard into Hiro's knee. Hiro fell of the edge of the patient bed, clutching his knee and groaning. "I see that your right leg reflexes are working fine. let's check your ears…"

Hiro sat up immediately, eying the exit. "Just… just…" he couldn't get the sentence out. House stabbed the ear checky thing into Hiro's left ear and looked in.

"You need to clean your ears." He whispered.

"What?" Hiro asked.

"YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR EARS!" House shouted in his ear.

"OW!" Hiro exclaimed.

House entered the separate room where Hatori kept loads of medication. He was amazed… it had more different kinda of pills in it than the downstairs pharmacy where he worked. He grabbed some and went back to the room where Hiro was back on the patient bed, biting his lip.

"You're bipolar. Your medical records indicate mood swings and other evidence of this. Here's medication, it might help your attitude as well."

"What, don't you need to do tests? Aren't you a responsible doctor? I'm still not even sure you _are_ one…OW"

House had turned sharply, his cane went up in the air a few inches, but high enough to hit Hiro's ankle.

"You did that on purpose you…" Hiro launched into a rather odd Japanese Cursing rant. He ended it in English with "I'm going to report you to the police for Child Abuse if you do that again." He had a smile. That worked on everyone.

House however handed him the pills with a smile. Hiro was uneasy suddenly. That smile…

Hiro got up slowly, holding the bottle as though it were his baby or something. He started out of the room when a cane mysteriously got stuck right in front of his foot and he ended up tripping out and falling on the ground.

"Just try to report me brat." House said before closing the door to the private little exam room.

Hiro went scurrying off. He needed to rest.

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hehe poor Hiro. its what I might have done to him :)

Selina


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